Life is unpredictable. Most of the major decisions that determine how our lives turn out are not within our control; wether that is where we’re born, who raises us, or the gender we’re assigned at birth, we don’t have authority over them… we’re just able to work around them.

That’s how I’ve felt for most of my life. Being born in a decaying country is not an easy task, and either you grow thick skin or you let it destroy you. Repercussions come from situations like mine and, even though I’m one of the luckier ones, they’re mostly negative. A common theme in Latin America is families sticking together, a theme I’ve come to long for as it was ripped away from me as the years went by. Children live with their parents until they’re no longer children, waiting for the right time to “spread their wings”, whilst coming home every day to warm meals and a loving home (which doesn’t apply to all, but it does for most). Americans have created quite the opposite norm; most kids will leave home soon after their 18th birthday, and adulthood commences the second your legality comes to be. Most will stay in the country, in states close by from where they were raised and with their families not too far away, but far enough.

In my case, I was raised in a completely Latino environment, but I knew that what was ahead of me was the American norm. I grew up eager to leave home at 18, become an adult as soon as I possibly could and experience freedom in a way I never had before because, after all, the state of my country never allowed me to have a normal childhood. I knew my experience was going to be different from those of my peers who stayed in our home country, and I loved that. That’s where the issues began.

I went from living in a home with all of my family members (grandma and cousins included) to being in a 2 bedroom apartment with girls I had just met, in a state I had never even been in before. Everything I knew of, everything I was used to, completely shifted in a matter of days. California became my home quickly, after all it was my decision to move here, and I certainly believe that was the right decision. The state wasn’t the problem though, actually… it was all I ever dreamt off. The freedom I longed for? Got it! The beautiful sunsets all of my favorite Youtubers always talked about? They’re even better in person! Not feeling alone? Oh wait… I do feel alone.

I had created expectations for how my adult life was going to be: I was going to have a beautiful apartment, I was going to stay out as long as I wanted and I was going to travel as much as I could. Obviously, there were many things my 18 year old self didn’t care to think about, because in her eyes that was all that mattered. I didn’t realize my mom wouldn’t be home every day after school, or that going to the movies with my dad every weekend was not going to be a thing anymore, lunches by my grandma were not going to happen, and weekly family get-togethers had come to an end. Adulthood in the United States came with a solitude I wasn’t ready for, but that I had to face. I was forced to grow up into a person who is okay with feeling lonely, even if that wasn’t something that I wanted. I wanted freedom, not a constant feeling of abandonment!

Immigrants carry around an immense weight on their shoulders that we don’t often talk about. Sometimes the weight is unbearable, but that’s when you remind yourself that life is unpredictable, and it makes choices for us regardless of wether they’re good or bad. However, how we deal with them is completely up to us.

I was in pain and scared for a really long time, but I did grow up. Without the guidance and encouragement of my family, something I would’ve loved, but I became a woman that I know younger me would’ve looked up to. I worked around the obstacles that life implanted in front of me because only one of us could win, and that was going to be me.

I grow every day. I’ve come to appreciate the mixture of cultures I’ve experienced in my lifetime, and I feel closer to my family now more than ever, regardless of the thousands of miles that keep us apart. I might not get a hug from my mom or movie dates with my dad nearly as often as I need them, but I’ve come to accept that, and it’s helped me appreciate them more when I do get them.

Growing up alone is hard, it can be heartbreaking and it might knock you down, but it won’t destroy you unless you give it the power to.